


Secret hidden in a song

by october_lady



Category: Morrilla - Fandom, Once Upon a Time RPF
Genre: Angst, Broken Heart, F/F, it's like pure angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-29
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-09-01 17:31:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8632234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/october_lady/pseuds/october_lady
Summary: Jen is upset after Lana and Fred get engaged and decides to drown her feelings in a karaoke bar. After listening to all those drunk people, she goes up the stage herself and sings, expressing all her love for the brunette with the lyrics. Life sometimes has a funny sense of humour because Lana appears in the bar too. That night sends them on a long, painful journey...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, listen up, people!
> 
> This fic is a gift for Jazz. She gave me the wonderful prompt (as she always does) of Jen singing a song in a karaoke bar and Lana hearing it. From there we created a painful story about which I said I wouldn't write it because that "would be too long". But you know me, I couldn't resist and even tho it took me a long time, I kept writing.
> 
> So here it is, finally. I want to thank Jazz for baring with me because I kept teasing her with pain, and nothing but pain. Also Shan and Andrea because when I didn't want to spoil too much, I talked to them.
> 
> Big thanks to Nay, she was the first one who read this and said I was evil so I guess it can get be posted. Tris listened to me ranting about it and helped me a bit, that's gonna come later so that y'all know what it was.
> 
> Anyway, enough of talking, please, let me know what you think, every tiny feedback is much appreciated, I've never posted a finished long story so I'm kind of nervous.

 

Jen waved at the bartender to bring her another glass of wine. He nodded and was there in a second, silently exchanging the empty glass for the full one. The blonde pulled it closer, rolling it between her fingers and watching the liquid swirl.

 

She grimaced as she heard the next person sing. Somehow she ended up in a karaoke bar. She just wanted to get out of her house, to be among people because staring at the white walls of her room wasn’t exactly helping her mood tonight. The bar was the first decent one she saw so she went in. It wasn’t bad, it was actually a very nice bar and most importantly, no one seemed to recognize her. The place was nice, except for the people who were attempting to sing and apparently didn’t have a very good judgement. Or maybe they’ve had too many drinks.

 

Jen scoffed. She loved singing. She just rarely did it, thinking she wasn’t very good at it. She was an actress, not a singer. But maybe she could sing tonight. No one knew who she was, even though it was a bar in a popular part of Vancouver, and the wine was helping her to make a decision.

 

And also her mood. She wanted to scream it out, scream it into the world, how much it hurt. Because it hurt so fucking much to see _her_ with _him_ , it clenched her heart and pushed the air out of her lunges.

 

She shivered as she thought of that afternoon again and the wine got sour on her tongue, making her sick. Lana spent the last few days flipping her new ring in front of everyone’s eyes, smiling and admiring it. She got engaged and was very happy about it. Jen wanted to be pleased for her, she really did because she didn’t want anything else for the brunette than to be happy in her life. But seeing her happy with someone else, kissing and holding hands and all this, it pained her. She never thought she could feel physical pain from being heartbroken but there she was, aching.

 

He came to the set today, picking his fianceé up after the filming. Jen watch them approach each other and share a sweet little kiss. Her heart clenched and her stomach twisted. She didn’t want to watch them but she was unable to turn around. It wasn’t until Lana pulled away and looked at them all to say her goodbye when the blonde rushed to her trailer. Actually, it was after Lana pulled away and caught Jen’s eyes watching her and smiled. And then Jen, instead of smiling back at her, ran away.

 

She was angry and upset as she was throwing stuff around her trailer, pillows and stuffed animals that belonged to Ava, until she crashed on her bed in tears. The dog nudged her with her nose silently and curled up next to her, offering her some comfort.

 

So Jen snuggled with Ava for a while, whispering words of apologies into her ear and cussing over Fred until she calmed down a bit. She drove them home and went around her normal routine but then she sat down to read a book and suddenly, the house was way too quiet. She turned on the tv but it didn’t help, no matter how loud it was.

 

That’s how she ended up in that karaoke bar, drinking about her third glass of wine. Or was it a fourth one?

 

 _Screw it_ , she thought when there was yet another person who had no idea how to sing. She stood up and steadied herself on the bar stool. The alcohol hit her a bit more than she had thought it would but she was still doing well. And she sure as hell would sing much better than all those people.

 

She walked to the stage to talk to the guy there.

 

“Hey. What songs do you have here?” She asked, smiling at the guy.

 

“Hi! Here’s the list, you can choose whatever you want but we prefer for it to be something that we haven’t heard tonight yet.” He smiled at her and handed her a few papers.

 

“Oh don’t worry,” Jen grinned and skimmed through it. One song immediately caught her attention. “I’ll sing this one.”

 

“Alright. - Mm, are you sure, it’s a sad song…”

 

“Thanks for your concern but yes, I’m sure,”

 

“Okay, I’ll have it ready for you. Sideways from Citizien cope coming right up.”

 

She just nodded and waited for her turn.

 

The girl singing before her finished soon and handed Jen the microphone. The blonde motioned to the guy and he played the music.

 

_You know it ain’t easy_

_For these thoughts here to leave me_

_There’s no words to describe it_

_In French or in English_

_‘Cause, diamonds they fade_

_And flowers they bloom_

_And I’m telling you_

 

Jen closed her eyes. She didn’t need the lyrics. She knew the words very well. This song was the most played one on her phone. And in the car on her way to and from work. Despite hearing the song dozens of times a day, she never sang it. She had never sang the song until now. She whispered the words into the dark and she let them soak underneath her skin but she didn’t dare to speak them aloud.

 

She sang the song with her eyes closed, driven by her pain and the fact that no one, no one in the bar knew her and no one cared, everyone being too busy with their drinks and friends.

 

Jen opened her eyes before the last verse. She looked around to see the people’s reaction. There were lights everywhere that didn’t allow her to recognize much but she noticed a face in the back of the bar. She would know the face everywhere, among thousands of faces, thousands of women. A cold shiver ran down her back as she froze for a second.

 

Lana. Lana was there. Lana was there in the bar, listening to her singing. She was listening to a song that was about her. About Jen’s feelings to the brunette.

 

_These feelings won’t go away_

_They’ve been knockin’ me sideways_

_They’ve been knockin’ me out, babe_

 

She missed the first words as she was captured by the deep brown eyes watching her but she caught up quickly. Their eyes were locked, they were looking at each other. _Screw it_ , this could not possibly get any worse.

 

_Whenever you come around me_

_These feelings won’t go away_

_They’ve been knockin´ me sideways_

_I keep thinking in a moment that_

_Time will take them away_

_But these feelings won’t go away_

 

A single tear rolled down Jen’s face as she sang the words to the woman she loved.

 

\---------------------------

 

Lana was leaning against the small table in the back of the bar, laughing at her fiancé. They were just enjoying a few drinks, having a good time, finally being able to spend some moments together. This bar was one of their favourites, it wasn’t that far away but most importantly, people didn’t seem to know or care who the brunette was. No one has ever bothered her there so they made it a habit to go there whenever they wanted to go out.

 

Fred just started to tell a funny story from that day when Lana frowned.

 

“What?” The man stopped as he noticed she wasn’t listening.

 

“That voice… it sounds like…” Lana turned to the stage and saw the blonde woman, little bit nervous but her words were firm and soft.

 

“Is that Jennifer?” Fred squirmed at her. “I didn’t know she could sing.”

 

“Neither did I,” Lana whispered, already captured by the silk voice.

 

The blonde was holding the microphone tight, like it was the only thing keeping her on her feet, her eyes closed, focused on her performance.

 

_It ain’t easy_

_For these thoughts here to leave me_

_There’re no words to describe it…_

 

“It’s like she has someone on her mind, don’t you think?”

 

“Shh!” she hissed, annoyed by his voice and interruption. If she were honest, the way Jen was singing this particular song made her think it might be about someone. But whom?

 

Her eyes didn’t left the blonde for a second. She didn’t dare to blink so that she wouldn’t miss anything. And then Jen opened her eyes. She opened her eyes and looked around. Their eyes met and for a second, everything stopped. Everything stopped and Jen forgot the next few words.

 

Lana didn’t leave the green eyes. She felt like she couldn’t move, she was captured, devouring every word and every tone.

 

And Jen… It felt like… like she was singing the song to her? No, that couldn’t be, could it? Jen didn’t love her, not like this… She knew she was with Fred…

 

_These feelings won’t go away_

_They’ve been knockin’ me sideways_

_They’ve been knockin’ me out, babe_

 

She never showed in any way that she would be interested in Lana… But listening to these words… Watching Jen sing it to her... Her heart clenched as the denial started to back away slowly.

 

_Whenever you come around me_

_These feelings won’t go away_

_They’ve been knockin´ me sideways_

_I keep thinking in a moment that_

_Time will take them away_

_But these feelings won’t go away_

 

She took a deep breath as she watched a tear run down Jen’s face.

There was no doubt the blonde sang the song to the brunette.

 

\---------------------------

 

Jen closed her eyes when the song ended, trying to stop more tears from spilling. She collected herself quickly because she heard people starting to whisper and notice her and opened her eyes.

 

Lana was gone. She was no longer standing there by the table in the back of the bar. There was just Fred, looking around confusedly but turning his attention to his phone soon.

 

The blonde scoffed, feeling hurt and angry. She wanted to get away from everything, from Lana, from her feelings, from seeing them together. And yet, there they all were in a bar. What a coincidence. Ain’t fate a bitch? She got off the stage and handed the microphone to the guy.

 

“Wow, that was pretty good!” He grinned at her.

 

“Thanks,” she just hissed, still trying to fight her tears and the knot in her throat.

 

“Hey, are you okay?” He touched her arm gently, concern in his eyes.

 

“What do you think?” She growled and pushed his hand away, walking towards the bar.

 

Someone stepped into her way and made her stop. The someone was the brunette.

 

Jen took a deep breath before she looked up into the dark eyes. The truth is out there, she was sure about it, she was sure Lana figured it out, so let’s face it and see what is about to happen and what the brunette has to say.

 

But Lana just stood there, looking into her eyes. It felt like forever, like everything and everyone around them disappeared.

 

“I didn’t know you could sing. It was beautiful.” There were so many things Lana wanted to say, maybe even do, but she couldn’t. She didn’t know how, it was like she forgot how to talk.

 

The blonde just shrugged. She wanted to run away and be finally alone and scream and punch something but on the other hand, she could not say no to Lana’s presence, it was making her drunk more than the alcohol, it was making her numb.

 

“Jen…” Lana whispered, their eyes still locked. She reached out slowly and pushed a strand of loose blonde hair behind her ear. She let her hand fall down, tangling it with Jen’s fingers gently, barely touching her.

 

The blonde closed her eyes, savouring the touch and trying to keep her breathing normal and also not to push Lana away. Before she could do anything though, Lana pressed her forehead against hers.

 

“I love you so much, but not like you do…” She whispered, her voice breaking, her hot breath tickling Jen on her lips. She hesitated for a second and then closed the little distance between their lips, capturing Jen’s, just pressing them together in a little kiss, seemingly innocent.

 

The blonde was shocked, but the soft lips brushing against hers made her forget everything, it was just Lana and her, no one else.

 

Lana pulled away too soon, the whole kiss probably lasted just a short moment but it was like the time stopped.

 

“I’m so sorry,” the brunette whispered, tears spilling as she blinked quickly, her voice betraying her. She let go off Jen’s hand and rushed away.

 

And Jen was just standing there, her heart beating fast.

 

What the hell did just happen?

 

What did Lana apologize for? The kiss? Or that she didn’t love her?

 

The blonde gasped for air as the only thing she could feel was pain. She had to get out of there immediately. She could not stay there any longer, she needed to get away from the bar, from Lana, from her fiancé, from her feelings, she needed to get away from herself.

 

She took deep breaths of the cold air. Her heart was clenching. She stopped fighting the tears, they were just running down her face, leaving black mascara traces. All she wanted to do was to collapse on the floor and cry. She felt weak, she could barely hold herself up. The kiss was all she ever wanted, all she dreamed about at night. Just one little kiss, just to feel Lana’s lips on hers, to know what it feels like. Her wish came true. But it was the most painful thing she has ever experienced.

 

Now she knew what it was like, what the brunette tasted like, that her lips were like satin. But she also knew she could never have her, she wouldn’t be the one getting sweet kisses, she wouldn’t be the one tracing those red lips with her tongue.

 

So what was worse, to dream and never know or to know but never be allowed to have it?

 

Be careful what you wish for…


	2. Chapter 2

The blonde spent the night mostly awake. Ava was silently curled up at her feet, checking on her from time to time, nudging her with her wet nose. After a while there were no more tears to cry, no strength but sleep still wasn’t coming, her thoughts keeping her awake.

 

She didn’t understand. Why did Lana do that? Why did she kiss her? What did it mean? She had said she didn’t love her, didn’t love her like that, yet that kiss wasn’t exactly friends’-like. She tortured herself with coming back to that moment, remembering every possible detail. At one moment she decided it was just a simple, innocent kiss, Lana did that, she was very touchy-feely, she touched people, she gave her friends kisses, it didn’t mean anything, she said it herself that they were just friends.

 

But a few minutes later, when she went through it again, she came to the conclusion that the kiss lasted a few seconds too long for it to be as innocent as it might seem. It was only innocent in the sense that their lips didn’t even move, they just pressed them against each other gently, they didn’t even brush but it was much longer than a kiss you give your friend when it’s her birthday.

 

So Jen didn’t understand. Lana said she didn’t love her. She just got engaged, her fiancé goes to set often, they were together in the bar, yet she kissed her and then walked away like nothing happened.

 

The blonde closed her eyes and touched her face as she recalled Lana’s fingers gently brushing it as she pushed the loose strand of hair behind her ear. Her heart clenched and if Ava wasn’t lying on her, she would have punched the wall.

 

Finally, sleep came to her when the sun was coming up. She wasn’t shooting the next day so she allowed herself to do nothing, getting up only to let Ava outside in the garden, not even bothering taking her on a walk. She spent most of the day just staring at the wall, listening to some music, barely eating or drinking, feeling sick.

 

This was her day to be heartbroken. When work starts again, she’s going to have to be strong, be strong in front of Lana, in front of everyone, not letting anyone know that something happened.

 

 ---------------------------

 

A few days went by when Jen and Lana had different schedules, never really meeting on set, not sharing a scene. There were a few days when the call time overlapped with the other one’s end of the day but that was it.

 

They met in the catering trailer a few times. Lana didn’t think it would be a problem, well, not really. After the kiss in the bar, she closed up a bit, pulled away from everyone, especially Fred. She had regrets about the kiss. Not the actual kiss but about doing it after what she had told Jen and what the blonde had admitted.

 

What if it gave the blonde some wrong ideas? But she told her she didn’t feel like that, she was clear about it and she has just gotten engaged and she loved Fred very much, so there was no space for any confusion, was there? She went through it a few times before she came to the conclusion that there indeed couldn’t be any confusion and therefore things should be okay, more or less.

 

So she was surprised when she met Jen for the first time since then and the blonde left the trailer without even looking at her. Lana stopped there before she went into the make-up trailer, she wanted to get some snack because she was in a rush that day. Jen was sitting there at a table with Ginny, drinking coffee and just chatting, laughing.

 

“Hey, ladies,” Lana greeted them, swallowing her surprise and if she were honest, a bit of a joy about seeing the blonde.

 

“Hi, Lana, wanna join us?” Ginny smiled at her and gestured for the empty chair between her and the blonde.

 

“Sure,” the brunette nodded and went to help herself to some coffee.

 

“Um, I gotta go,” the blonde muttered and hurried out of the door.

 

“Is there… something going on?” Ginny frowned, looking confusedly from the door to Lana and back.

 

“No, nothing,” the brunette shook her head, turning back to the counter to hide her sadness.

 

“Have you talked to Jen lately?” Ginny asked, trying to sound uninterested.

 

“Me? No, no, I haven’t, why?” Lana turned around quickly, almost spilling her coffee.

 

The smaller brunette furrowed her eyebrows but didn’t comment on Lana’s quick moves.

 

“Just wondering. She seems a bit off the last few days but she wouldn’t tell me what’s going on.”

 

“Oh. Well I guess it’s just work, you know how she is, having too many things going on at once. I’m sure she would tell you if something happened.” The brunette brushed it off, not exactly wanting to discuss Jen’s mental state. But if people started noticing that Jen was in a bad mood, maybe they should talk. They should definitely talk. She wasn’t exactly sure what about but she at least had to make sure the blonde was okay.

 

“I suppose you’re right,” Ginny nodded and sipped at her coffee.

 

 ---------------------------

 

Lana decided that she has to find a way to talk to the blonde. It should be easy, they work together, they had some scenes together. But Jen didn’t talk to her, the only words meant for her were actually meant for Regina. And there was nothing Lana could do. There were other people surrounding them all the time and when they had a break or they were done, Jen disappeared as quickly as she could.

 

It took over a week, the blonde leaving when she saw Lana approaching, till the brunette decided that this was not the way to go about it.

 

She took a deep breath before she knocked on the trailer’s door. If Jen keeps leaving and avoiding her, she has to come to her.

 

“Yes?” The blonde answered from inside.

 

Lana decided not to speak, at this point she wouldn’t be surprised if Jen locked the door as soon as she would hear her voice.

 

“Hi,” she said silently with an unsure smile.

 

A mixture of emotions crossed Jen’s face before her poker face settled. There was a hint of joy that quickly switched to pain and anger.

 

“What are you doing here?” The blonde crossed her arms in front of herself, her voice cold and firm.

 

“I- I thought maybe we could talk?” Lana tried again, still smiling, trying to show she meant well.

 

“Talk? What could we possibly talk about?”

 

“About… what happened that night…” The brunette’s face fell.

 

“Nothing happened.” Jen snapped at her.

 

“Jen…” Lana tried again, begging the blonde to talk to her, making a step forward.

 

“No, Lana. There’s nothing to talk about.” She was firm. Her face was stoic, not showing any emotions. But it cost her lots of strength and determination. She couldn’t allow herself to give in, to give in the dark brown eyes.

 

“I’m… sorry if I hurt you… with the kiss… I didn’t think…” Lana dug her nails into her palms, stopping herself from hugging the blonde. She knew her. She knew that when she is cold, she’s usually suffering inside. She wanted nothing else but to comfort her, to apologize. But she couldn’t do anything, she had no right to do so, to hug her, to touch her.

 

“Exactly. You didn’t think. Now go. I never want to talk about this again. It was a mistake, the whole thing was a mistake.” The blonde motioned to the door, basically kicking the brunette out. She didn’t look at her though, she knew she wouldn’t be able to handle seeing Lana hurt by her words. But she had to hurt her, she had to do that, otherwise she might do something stupid, like forgiving her and saying it’s all okay, saying that the kiss is something she had dreamed about weeks, months before.

 

Lana stared at her for a few more seconds, trying to decide whether the blonde was serious or if there was still a chance to somehow make this right. She didn’t want to lose her. But there was nothing else she could do now, Jen looked like she has decided and nothing could make her change her mind. So she walked out of Jen’s trailer, hot tears burning her eyes.

 

The blonde waited till the door shut and then she broke down. She ran to the bathroom and fell to her knees, opening the toilet as she did so. And then she threw up. She felt so tired and sick of everything, of feeling like this, of hurting all the time, of being in pain, her heart clenching every time she remembered the night and Lana’s words, or her kiss. Her heart clenched every time she saw the brunette. She couldn’t handle it anymore. She was tired, she slept quite a lot but never woke up rested, she was trying to keep herself busy, which resulted in eating badly, having no energy and drinking much more coffee. And all that led to her feeling sick most of the time. The pain was actually the worst and sometimes, when it really hit her, she had to sit down. She wasn’t able to stand, she had to lean on a wall, her legs too weak to hold her.

 

And all that was just too much now. Lana wanting to talk, her pained expression when Jen refused to, that all made her sick to her stomach. It felt like getting rid of all those feelings, she felt lighter, like a weight lifted from her heart, at least some of it.

 

Hot tears were caressing her on her face, dropping down on her arms as she was leaning against the toilet, feeling light and emotionally empty.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are about to get even more complicated between Jen and Lana...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took me so long to add another chapter, this is not how I wanted to do it but life is happening I guess. Anyway, enjoy, feel free to yell at me, I'm used to it and I need it to keep me going.

Jennifer buried herself in work. She spent the majority of her day on set and when she wasn’t filming the show, she was working on some other projects. She was working on a script together with her friend, getting ready to direct that short movie, going through auditions and choosing the perfect fit, working on some charity. She dove into work head first because she needed to have things to do, she had to busy herself to stop thinking about Lana, to stop thinking about every word Lana has said to her in the past month, to stop thinking about every concerned look the brunette sends her way.

 

And when she had a spare minute, she was at the gym, sweating off those feelings, or just working out in front of the TV. She used this as a kind of a therapy, when evenings felt especially lonely and she was drowning in all those feelings again. She worked out till her muscles hurt and till she couldn’t lift her arms anymore, actual physical pain distracting her and helping her forget about other things.

 

She focused on eating healthy, more than she had before, leaving out all the junk food completely, pastries limiting to the minimum. She brought salads and fruity snacks with her to the set, politely refusing to try anything anyone brought.

 

All this led to constant tiredness and exhaustion. But once Jen started this circle, she didn’t know how to stop. Not that she really wanted to. She was excited that she got a lot of things done, that she was able to do other work besides filming the show.

 

Sometimes she felt dizzy, which drew concerned questions from everyone, especially Ginny, who asked her repeatedly if she was okay.

 

“I’m fine, I just don’t feel very well today, that’s all.” Jen smiled tiredly at the small brunette.

 

“It seems like you don’t feel well often lately,” Ginny looked at her, clearly not believing a word she said. “Maybe you should slow down a bit, don’t you think?”

 

“What? Why? I’m doing all the things that I love, I don’t want to stop!”

 

“I know, sweetie, and it’s great that you do what you love, but maybe try not to do everything at the same time?”

 

“Ginny… I really appreciate your concern but I’m fine, really.”

 

The brunette just shrugged, knowing there’s only so much she could do.

 

Another time, when they were filming, she fell. She was sitting on the ground where she was thrown by some spell.  They were all supposed to get back on their feet and fight back but Jen landed on her but again. Or almost did, Josh managed to catch her.

 

“Whoa, are you okay?” He looked at her when she was standing steadily again, still holding her arm.

 

“Yeah, I’m good, just a little clumsy, that’s all,” she laughed nervously.

 

“You sure it’s just that? You look kind of pale.”

 

“I’m sure, I got up too quickly from the ground and my head span.” She pulled her arm away and went back to her mark. Josh looked at everyone else, they all seemed to not believe her either.

 

It was a few days later when it happened again. They were almost done with the scene, there were Ginny, Josh and Lana. Once again, the blonde stood up too quickly and got dizzy. Only this time, there was no one standing next to her and she fell on the floor.

 

“Jen!” Lana cried out in horror, followed by everyone else.

 

She didn’t react, she was just lying there, eyes closed, looking as if she were asleep.

 

Ginny and Josh ran to her, together with some of the crew. The little brunette sat next to her and called her name few times. Soon enough, the blonde opened her eyes and looked at them confusedly.

 

“You hit your head and you were out for a few seconds,” Ginny said as she was stroking her blonde hair.

 

“What? Seriously?” Jen mumbled and tried to sit up.

 

“Nah uh, stay lying.” She pushed her back down gently.

 

“I already called the ambulance,” someone from the crew said. “They’re gonna be here in a minute.”

 

“I don’t need an ambulance! I’m fine!”

 

“Jen…” Lana said softly and took a step closer. She was pale, concern was dripping from her voice and she was hugging her own body. She had to keep her arms to herself. When the first shock wore off, she wanted to run to the blonde and shake her to find out if she was okay and then hold her.

 

“You don’t get to tell me what to do!” Jen snapped at her.

 

“Hey, shh. You hit your head, let’s just let the doctors look at you, okay?” Josh tried to comfort her, gently touching her arm.

 

Lana retrieved herself and left the set. She was shivering. Jen didn’t want to talk to her. Jen didn’t even want to be talked to. She caused this. It was her fault that the blonde worked so much and slept so little. It was her fault she felt like she had to be distracted at all times. This is not what she wanted. She should never have kissed her. Her stupid thoughtless action made the blonde collapse on set. It was her fault that the whole crew and all the actors were tensed around them.

 

All Lana wanted was to make it better, to make it right. But it seemed like every time she tried to do something, it made things even worse. She was genuinely concerned about Jen but no matter how she showed it, she was always shut down by the blonde, usually with something like “Why would you care” or “Don’t pretend like you care.” It stabbed her in her heart like a knife but she always just hung her head and left.

 

She was confused about the way she felt. She didn’t understand it, she was cranky most of the time, snapping at her fiancé and answering with an upset “nothing” when she was asked what was wrong. And it made her even angrier, not knowing what was going on. She spent a lot of time thinking about the blonde, she wanted to figure out how to make her feel better, how to fix the mess she recklessly made. But she couldn’t blame Jen for not wanting to talk to her, for avoiding her.

 

And now the result of all that was Jen having health problems. It was almost unbelievable, that one little kiss can cause all this.

 

Lana made up her mind. She didn’t care that Jen didn’t want to talk to her. She felt guilty, she had to apologize.

 

She found her phone and dialled Ginny’s number.

 

“Hi, Ginny. I’m… can you please tell me to which hospital they took Jen?” The brunette was pacing her trailer, fidgeting with her sleeve.

 

“Lana!” The other brunette wasn’t even trying to hide her surprise. “I’m not sure I should…”

 

“Please! It’s really important…” she was desperate, panic suddenly settling in her heart.

 

“What happened between the two of you?” Ginny finally asked what she has been wondering about.

 

“Nothing happened.”

 

“Why doesn’t she want to talk to you when nothing happened? I thought you were friends…”

 

“I messed up.” Lana sighed. “Can you please tell me where they took her to?” She asked again, resigned.

 

“Alright,” the other woman nodded after a while and decided that she can tell Lana the name of the hospital.

 

“Thank you,” the brunette said gratefully as she hung up. She hurried to her car and drove there.

 

It didn’t take her long to find the right room. She hesitated before entering but then she took a deep breath and opened the door. This is why she came here, she has to do it.

 

She approached the bed slowly and sat on the chair standing next to it. The blonde was asleep. Lana smiled as she was looking at her, gold curls spread on the pillow, roaming her peaceful face.

 

_Angel_.

 

The brunette shook her head at that thought.

 

“Oh Jen,” she whispered softly. “This is not what I wanted.” She reached out hesitantly and clasped the blonde’s hand, holding it between hers.

 

“I’m so sorry that it came to this.” A tear rolled down her face. “I never should have done that. I didn’t know it would end like this. I didn’t know you… If I could take it back, I would. I would take back that night, that kiss.” She stopped, thoughtlessly caressing Jen’s hand with her thumb. “You know, I’m actually glad I kissed you… I- don’t know why, I can’t explain it. But I don’t even really want to. The reason why I regret it is because it caused you so much pain and set you on this dangerous path. --- I hope you’re really asleep and didn’t hear this confession, I’m just rambling and don’t make any sense, at least to myself. ---  Anyway, I don’t want to cause you any more pain. I’m going to come up with some solution, I promise. I already have an idea what to do but I have to talk to some people first.” She stopped, wiping off her tears.

 

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t know Ms Morrison had a visitor.” A nurse stopped in the door.

 

“I’m already leaving.” Lana let go of Jen’s hand quickly and stood up, fixing herself nervously. “Is she going to be okay?” She turned to the nurse before she left.

 

“She is, she should just rest for a day or two. There are some things not exactly perfect but they all seem to be caused by stress so if she slows down and gets rid of those factors, and maybe changes her diet, it should get back into normal quickly.”

 

“Thank you,” Lana nodded.

 

“Are you two… close?” The young nurse smiled at her.

 

“No. No, we are not.”

 

“Oh. Well you still care, so that’s important. She’s going to need some support.”

 

“I’m going to do what I can to get rid of what causes her the stress, I can promise that,” Lana shook her head and left the hospital room.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, here's another chapter! I'm sorry if I make you cry but also tell me about it, I'm excited about every reaction! Even if you hate me, that's okay, you can tell me that too.

„Are you okay?” Fred looked up from the couch when Lana came in. Her mascara was smeared a bit, her eyes were red. She looked exhausted, her shoulders and head hanging down, her handbag swaying uncontrollably in her hand as she took slow, heavy steps on the wooden floor.

 

“Lana?” He questioned her again, louder this time, with more concern in his voice.

 

“Hm?” She looked up at him but her eyes weren’t focusing on him, she was lost in her thoughts.

 

“Is everything okay?”

 

“Jen collapsed on set today.” Lana whispered as she fell into the armchair.

 

“What? Why? Is she going to be okay?” He frowned as he moved closer to the brunette.

 

“The nurse said so. It’s all my fault…”

 

“How is that your fault?” Fred shook his head confusedly, looking at her like what she’s just said was the biggest nonsense he’s ever heard.

 

“It is my fault…” She repeated it again, tears flooding her eyes.

 

“You’re upset. Come on, I’ll make you something to eat. Or we can order pizza. It’s all going to be okay.” He put his hand on her back, trying to comfort her.

 

“No.” She shook his hand off. “I need a change.” Suddenly her voice was firm as she straightened her back and took a deep breath.

 

“You want to change first?”

 

“No, I need a change. I need to change my life. I can’t do this anymore. I need to quit the show.”

 

“Lana… what are you saying? What is really going on?”

 

“Nothing is going on. This show is destroying us all.”

 

“Does this have something to do with Jennifer?” He was trying to stay calm, trying to be logical, trying to understand what was really going on but it wasn’t easy.

 

“Why would this be about her? No!” She snapped at him and stood up from her seat.

 

“Because all you’ve been talking about lately is her and when I ask you, you shut down and get all snappy! What is going on between you two? You’ve been acting like this since the karaoke night!” He yelled. He didn’t want to. But he was desperate. They were moving away from each other, not really talking and it felt like he’s losing her.

 

“I’m tired. It’s been a long day.” The brunette looked at him, her voice calm and tired again. She walked towards the door slowly, but confidently.

 

“You’re doing it again! Shutting me out, not talking! I want to help you but you have to talk to me!”

 

She stopped in the door. She closed her eyes and took a few breaths.

 

“I’m sorry, I know you don’t deserve this,” she turned to him, actually meaning her words. “It’ll get better, I promise. I just… need some time to think. And to get away from this.”

 

Fred shook his head with understanding. She looked so small standing there in the big French door, leaning against the frame, her bag hanging from her hand, resting on the floor. Her eyes were tired and exhaustion was visible on her face and on her posture.

 

“Go rest. We’ll talk tomorrow.” He dismissed her with a small smile.

 

\---------------------------

 

They talked. They yelled a bit. Lana didn’t change her mind. She was determined to leave the show and no one could talk her out of it.

 

“But why?” Fred was trying to understand, he really wanted to, but it didn’t make any sense to him. Lana loved the show, it was her life, her everything, she loved being Regina, she loved the costumes and the cast, working with everyone. They were like a family to her. No matter how hard he was trying, there was no sense. It was all coming back to Jennifer, to the blonde whose existence Lana suddenly almost denied.

 

But every time he tried to bring her up, Lana waved him off and instead of being cranky as she used to be, she was all sweet, snuggling and kissing him, trying to make him stop talking about the blonde. And it worked, at least for that moment.

 

It was a little bit more difficult when she went to talk to Adam and Eddy. They didn’t want to let her go, bringing up all the success she’s had, she could have, promising more screen time, more money, threatening with all the contracts. It didn’t work.

 

They finally agreed to let her go, to write her off, leaving a possibility for her to come back any time. They all agreed that she would be the one telling everyone else. It was her choice and truth to be told, neither Adam nor Eddy wanted to be the ones telling the cast and crew that their most beloved actress wanted to leave.

 

Lana chose a day that Jen wasn’t on set due to her forced “getting better days off”. She wasn’t sure she could face her or that she would even listen to anything the brunette had to say.

 

They were in Regina’s house that day, gathered in her living room, sitting around.

 

“Hey guys, thanks for staying here during your break. I promise I won’t be long, I have just one thing to say.” She smiled at them weakly, knowing that this would be hard.

 

“No problem, love,” Bobby grinned at her.

 

“Okay…” She took a deep breath. “I… things have been stressful lately, more than ever before. Please, let me finish,” she raised her hand a bit when she saw Ginny wanting to speak. “I know it’s not just me but I can’t do this anymore. So after talking to a few people, we agreed I’d quit the show.” She finished, waiting for any reaction. Everyone was silent, just looking at her unbelievably.

 

“Is this… some kind of a joke? Is it April 1st?” Rebecca stood up from the couch she was sitting on and folded her arms on her chest.

 

“No, it’s not a joke. I just… need some change.”

 

“You could get a haircut… get another tattoo…. Fly to Japan and eat sushi all day… you don’t have to quit your job…” Josh tried jokingly.

 

“Josh…” She was tired. She didn’t want to explain anything to anyone, she just wanted to sleep, to get away from all this.

 

“Sorry. I just, I don’t really understand I guess.”

 

The brunette sighed, deciding that the less she says, the better. She could feel Rebecca’s eyes on her, examining her carefully.

 

“What about Fred?” Ginny asked. “Does he agree with this change?”

 

“This is my job, and therefore my decision to make, don’t you think?”

 

“I guess,” Ginny shook her head. “Then I guess Adam and Eddy are okay with this?”

 

“We found a solution,” Lana nodded, trying to keep her face neutral.

 

“Alright then, sis,” Bex walked to her and hugged her, taking Lana by surprise. “I know there is something going on, so just know you can talk to me any  time, okay,” she whispered into her ear as she rubbed her back.

 

“Thank you,” the brunette pushed a tear back, feeling touched by this reaction.

 

That was over a month ago. She was now opening the door to her new apartment in New York. After it was clear that she was able to leave, she looked at auditions, focusing mainly on the east coast, both the USA and Canada. She came alone, at least for now, as Fred was still trying to figure out his transition because Lana’s casting was unclear till the last minute.

 

If she were honest with herself, she was kind of glad that she would have a few weeks to herself, without anyone else. She was tired of the constant questions if she was okay, being now asked more often than before. She was tired of people watching her carefully, analyzing what she was doing, trying to ask about her reasons.

 

She was tired of Fred. She wished he could just accept this and not ask all those questions. She didn’t know the real answer to them, or maybe she just didn’t want to see it and admit it. Most of the time it ended up with them arguing and then she was mad at herself because she knew he didn’t deserve this. They were supposed to get married but she wanted space. It confused her so she tried not to think about that too much but it was hard. Maybe being away in a new city, having a new job, would give her a new perspective.

 

And then there was Jen.  They didn’t talk about her decision. Lana was sure someone else told her, it was the most discussed thing on the set. They didn’t talk since she collapsed, she wasn’t really sure what she would tell her. And she wanted to keep the promise she gave to the nurse. To keep the stressful factors out of Jen’s life.

 

\---------------------------

 

When Jen found out what Lana did, she went through all kinds of emotions. She vaguely remembered Lana sitting by her bed in the hospital, but she wasn’t sure if it was a dream or if it was real, and how much of it was actually real.

 

When Ginny told her, her first reaction was “Oh,” and putting a poker face on. “That sucks. For the show I mean.”

 

“Right,” Ginny just nodded but didn’t comment on it any further.

 

The blonde was angry. How could Lana leave like that? After so many years, how could she just leave Regina? How could they let her leave?

 

And why did she want to leave? Why, all of a sudden, did she decide to go? Was it because of her? It probably was. Good then. Now she can focus on herself and on getting over the brunette. She’s not worth her frustration. She’s going to miss her through. Even tho she hates her, she is going to miss her smile, her spirit on the set, her energy and words of encouragement for everyone at all times.

 

But she finally won’t have to worry that she would meet her, she won’t have to secretly wish to meet her but be afraid at the same time because what would she say, what would she do. She couldn’t even look at her anyway, she always avoided her. Not that she really resented her so much but she was never sure what Lana would do. Would she try to talk to her again, to apologize? Would she come too close and make Jen’s breath catch in her throat?

 

The blonde’s feelings and emotions were like April's weather, changing quickly and driving her crazy. It was driving her crazy that she didn’t know what really happened, that she had no idea what was going on but also that they didn’t say goodbye.

 

Jen did realize it was her fault because she kept telling the brunette she didn’t want to talk to her and she just respected it, but it was her way of getting over it, of coping with the whole situation.

 

She hated Lana for respecting her wishes.

 

She hated herself for letting her mind wander late at night and thinking about Lana’s soft lips on hers and imagining if she would give her a goodbye kiss on her cheek, or hug her at least.

 

She groaned and cried and laughed at herself and worked hard but took more care of herself.

 

A few weeks later, she approached Bex a few times, wanting to talk to her but always ending up talking about the show. It took about a month till she finally found the courage to ask what she was interested in.

 

“How’s Lana?” She said as she was flipping through the pages of her script, pretending this to be a small talk.

 

“She’s doing well,” Rebecca raised her eyebrow at that question. “She’s working on her new show and seems to love it.”

 

Jen nodded knowingly.

 

“What about the wedding?” She asked even more nonchalantly as she highlightened some sentences, not looking at the red head.

 

“I… don’t know. Things are busy.” Bex shrugged as she was looking at the blonde.

 

The blonde nodded again, not sure how to continue this without raising any suspicion, and also not being sure if she really wanted to know any updates from Lana’s life.

 

\---------------------------

 

Lana and Bex talked on the phone quite often, most of the time just shooting silly snaps back and forth, not having time to actually talk. But when they did, never did Lana really tell her why she had decided to leave. Bex tried, more than once, but eventually she gave up.

 

It was one of those late nights shooting when they both finally found some time again.

 

“How’s it going? Everyone okay?” Lana asked, playing with her hair and kicking her toes on the ground.

 

“Yeah, it’s chilled. It seems like they’re trying to put less pressure on us or something.” The red head laughed on the other end of the phone and sipped her tea.

 

“What about Jen?” It came out more worried than she meant it to as she was chewing on her lip.

 

“You guys, seriously, why don’t you talk? She asked me about you the other day! What happened between you two?” Rebecca laughed and rolled her eyes.

 

“She did?” Lana’s heart started to race despite her whole body freezing on place.

 

“Yep, she asked how you were doing…”

 

“What did you tell her?” The brunette cut her off.

 

“That you were working on your new show and that you seemed excited. Then she asked about your wedding…”

 

“Oh.” Lana blinked a few times, surprised. “What… did you tell her?”

 

“I said that I didn’t know anything, that things were busy. For real tho, what’s with the wedding? Any plans?”

 

“I- no, no plans. You’re right, everything’s busy.” Lana shook her read, still taken back and suddenly feeling annoyed.

 

“Is it… just that? Or is there something else?”

 

“What do you mean?” Lana held her breath at that question.

 

“I mean… you guys are okay? Things seem to be… not as dreamy as they were, I suppose…” Bex tried carefully. There were times Lana wouldn’t shut up about Fred and getting married. And then suddenly, she went quiet, she hardly ever talked about him, which was a bit strange, considering he was still pretty much living in a different country and things haven’t seem to be changing.

 

“Yeah, yeah, we’re just busy, nothing else, really. I think. I mean, what do you want me to tell you, of course it’s difficult, he still lives in Canada, I work in New York where I chose to live. There can’t be anything dreamy about that.” The brunette got angry but she wasn’t exactly sure why. Of course Bex was right, things have changed since the engagement. And they were friends so it only made sense she asked her about him. But that means people started to notice there was something going on between them and it made her mad.

 

Was there actually something going on between them though? Was there something to be cranky about? She should probably urge him to move to NY with her, or they both could make more time to visit each other.

 

He’s been visiting her, every weekend at first, now less often. She has been refusing to come to Vancouver and that made things more difficult. She felt like that would be changing her decision. She’s once decided to leave the city and she didn’t want to come back. And if she visited, she would have to fly back on Sunday night which meant she might meet Jen at the airport as she was coming back from her travels.

 

Jen. Always on her mind. Sometimes she wanted to scream at how much she was in her head. She felt like she was going crazy.

 

And knowing now that the blonde asked about her too, which meant she was thinking about her too… it’s going to make her go insane.

 

“Lana…” Bex said quietly. “I’m not going to push you into talking to me, but I’m here if you need me. I can come visit and we can have a girls’ weekend or something.”

 

“I love you,” Lana just smiled.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we are slowly coming to the end. It's going to be one or two more chapters, I'll see into how many I'm going to break it. Thank you all for all your comments, I'm truly sorry for making you cry or yell (but not really).
> 
> Let's see what happens next, shall we?
> 
> Again, let me know what you think, I'm always excited to read your comments! And if you don't an ao3 account or wish to remain annonymous, you can leave a message on curious cat (curiouscat.me/Lucie) or tweet me at @named_lucie

This short conversation made Lana’s head spin. She has been thinking about everything nonstop. About her relationship with Fred, about the engagement and how happy she was, about that karaoke night, about Jen crying, about the kiss and everything that followed, their fights, Jen’s sad eyes, her collapse, Rebecca asking her about the wedding, noticing it’s probably not as it should be.

 

She has decided to stop the madness. She has been keeping this huge secret from her fiancé for so long and it was ruining her, it was ruining them.

 

“Fred… I would like to tell you something…” She took a deep breath. They were sitting on a couch, the final titles of a movie just running on the TV.

 

“Okay?” He sat up, not really sure what to expect.

 

“This… is probably going to sound crazy and I don’t really know where to start but I need to tell you so please, just let me finish.”

 

“You’re scaring me but go ahead,” he tried to smile at her, thinking about all possible things she might be about to tell him.

 

“You… asked me a few times if things were about Jen…”

 

“Oh gosh…” He groaned and ran his hand through his short hair.

 

“Please…” She looked at him desperately.

 

Fred raised his hands in defeat to let her know she can continue.

 

“I kissed her…” She half whispered, more confident than she felt.

 

“You did what?!” He forgot about what he promised as he opened his eyes wide in shock.

 

“That night in the karaoke bar, the song she sang, it was about me. I went to talk to her and told her I was sorry because I didn’t feel that way. I hugged her and gave her a kiss on her lips, just an innocent peck, like between friends. But I guess that ruined things between us for good.” Lana sighed as she finished, not looking up at her fiancé, playing with her ring.

 

“You told her you didn’t have romantic feelings for her and then you kissed her? Wow, I can’t imagine how that could go wrong!” He scoffed.

 

“Stop mocking me, okay?! I’ve been hating myself for that since that moment!” Lana got up from the couch and turned to the window, trying to hide the tears in her eyes.

 

“I’m sorry, I just… That is kind of obvious, don’t you think?”

 

The brunette didn’t answer. She was just looking out of the window, not sure what she promised herself from this.

 

“Okay, I’ll stop mocking. Is that… why she collapsed? Because you--kissed her?” He laughed. There was nothing funny about it but saying it like that, it made it sound like some weird fairy tale curse.

 

“I was trying to talk to her after that night. I wanted to apologize, to make things right again. She refused to talk to me, to even look at me. She started to work hard, picking up every project, not taking care of herself. She was stressed and exhausted. So yes. I suppose you can say she collapsed because I kissed her.” Lana turned to Fred again, looking him straight in the eye, hugging herself with her arms.

 

Fred nodded, examining her for a moment, trying to process everything he has just heard.

 

“So… does this mean you wanted to leave the show because you brought her to hospital?” His expression was changing, from the warm, ‘I-am-listening’ one to kind of a cold one.

 

“Why are you asking me this?” Lana whispered and fell into an armchair. “Are you trying to make me feel even worse about it all?”

 

“No, not at all. I’m just trying to figure out why, after months, you are still so devastated about it that you would not just leave the show, which would be understandable, but you left the country, you went as far as your job let you. Thinking about it now, I’m actually surprised you didn’t go to Europe.”

 

“Fred…” Lana breathed out unbelievably, hurt.

 

“Let me ask you one thing… Are you sure you told her the truth?” He crossed his arms on his chest.

 

“What?” The brunette shook her head confusedly.

 

“About your feelings for her. Are you sure you don’t feel the same way?”

 

“Fred… what…”

 

“Answer me. Tell me you don’t have any feelings for her. Tell me I’m wrong, tell me you didn’t flee the country because of her, tell me you aren’t thinking about her all the time, tell me there’s actually no reason for you to tell me this after months.”

 

“I-“ Lana choked, blinking quickly as she was trying to push back her tears. “I don’t know,” she whispered, desperate, confused, maybe even scared of what was happening.

 

“I think you do. I think you’ve known for a long time, you just didn’t want to admit it to yourself. Otherwise you wouldn’t have done all the things you did, you wouldn’t have avoided me. Please, don’t tell me it’s not true, I’m not stupid.”

 

“I’m sorry…” Lana hugged her knees, not looking at him.

 

“Yeah. Me too. And so is probably Jennifer. You ruined her, now you’ve ruined our relationship. Wow, you’re really good at that!” He was getting angry, raising his voice.

 

“Why are you saying this?” She didn’t bother with stopping the tears anymore. There was no point.

 

“Lana… things haven’t been exactly working out between the two of us lately. I was trying, I really was, but you didn’t talk to me and I got tired of fixing problems I didn’t even know existed. Now you’ve just admitted that you might have feelings for another person, a person you haven’t seen in months, or I think you haven’t, so yeah, I don’t think we can fix this.” He seemed sad, the anger in his eyes going away.

 

“I’m sorry… this is not what I wanted to happen…”

 

“That I believe. But it’s going to be better this way.”

 

“What way?” She knew what he meant, there was no doubt, but she needed to hear it, she wanted him to say it, she needed him to be the one saying it, she felt like she’s already ruined enough things and she couldn’t stand it if she was the one to put the definite end to their relationship.

 

“It’s going to be better if we break up.”

 

Lana just nodded, looking into his eyes only briefly.

 

“I would just keep thinking if you imagine her instead of me anyway and I don’t want to be in a relationship like that.” He scoffed at her.

 

“Why are you getting rude?” She got mad.

 

“Am I? Aren’t you going to run to her now that you’re free and kiss her properly? Oh, that’s right, you can’t, she would rather pass out than talk to you. Not to mention she seems to be doing well, having a good time in clubs, hanging out with ladies.” He smirked at her like he just pulled a triumph out of his sleeve.

 

“What the fuck are you trying to do? Are you trying to hurt me back?” Lana flew out of her chair, hands on her hips.

 

“No, I’m just saying what I know. Not that I care about her, I couldn’t care less but I talked to Marc a few days ago and he mentioned it. Maybe you could find it online. Wow, you seriously didn’t know? Seems like she got over you already.”

 

“You’re such a bastard! Get out!” Lana yelled at the man, tears running down her face. She hurried to the bedroom and locked the door. She slid down on the floor and finally started to cry. She felt free, yet trapped.

 

\---------------------------

 

After this fight, Fred spent the night on the couch and left the apartment in the morning to spend some time alone. When Lana came out of her bedroom after she heard the door close, she found a note on the table.

 

“I’ll be back around noon, we should probably talk again. Coffee is made.”

 

The brunette rolled her eyes at the note and poured herself a big cup of coffee. Yes. They should probably talk. She spent the whole night thinking about their situation, about her situation. She stared into the dark and out of the window at New York City at night, analyzing and taking apart every feeling, every emotion she felt, every moment she spent with the blonde, every moment she spent with Fred lately.

 

When he came back, she was waiting for him at the kitchen table, having some tea ready. Her eyes weren’t swollen anymore, she was calm and sure about what she wanted to tell him.

 

“Hi,” she smiled at him when he entered the room.

 

“Oh, hi… I didn’t expect…” He stopped himself, throwing his hand in the air.

 

“I don’t want to argue,” Lana just shrugged simply. “And I do agree we need to talk. I have a few things I want to tell you. Tea?”

 

“Are you about to poison me or something?” Fred frowned, not sure what to think about all of this.

 

“Like I don’t have enough things to deal with, I don’t need to deal with a dead body too,” she rolled her eyes. “Just help yourself if you want some.”

 

He rolled his eyes at her jokes and poured himself a cup too. “Okay. So you mentioned you have something to tell me?”

 

“Yes… What you said last night… about me having feelings for Jen… I cannot say you were wrong. But, I’m also not sure you were right. I honestly don’t know for sure. Or maybe I don’t want to know. Either way, I don’t want to be unfair to you. You have always been good to me, you cared and asked and I shut you down and pulled away. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you and treated you that way. I’m not angry about what you said last night anymore. I- would suggest a break or taking time to think about things but considering how things have been lately, it’s probably pointless…” She finished, looking him confidently in his eyes.

 

“Lana… I’m sorry I was rude last night. I shouldn’t have… I was just angry and I lost my temper. As much as it hurts me, I think I’ll stick with what I said yesterday. We should break up. I would forgive you if you slept with her but knowing you might have been feeling something for her for months, I don’t think I can deal with that.” His voice was silent when he said the last part, shaking his head. His eyes were sad.

 

“I know. I’ve been trying, I really have because I love you, but…” she blinked a few times to push back some tears.

 

“…as a friend, I know. Hey, don’t cry.” He smiled at her encouragingly, squeezing her hand.

 

“Why are you so nice to me?”

 

“Because I still care about you. Besides, I’ve noticed something was off a long time ago, I just didn’t say anything. So maybe things could have been different. It’s not just your fault.”

 

Lana nodded. They were sitting in silence for a while, both playing with their tea cups.

 

“So what now?” The brunette asked silently.

 

“I don’t know, I guess I’ll pack my things fly back.” He shrugged.

 

“You don’t have to leave immediately.”

 

“Thanks. But I think it would be better that way.” He couldn’t decide what he really wanted, to stay or to leave. He might even change his mind about the whole thing if he stayed. But what he knew for sure was, that he could never get over Lana having feelings for someone else. “Maybe you could now come back to the show,” he said jokingly.

 

“What? No. My reason to leave hasn’t changed.” She shook her read resolutely.

 

“I know. Maybe you should talk to Jen, now that… you know.”

 

“Are you serious? We just broke up and you’re telling me to go talk to the person who’s the reason for this?” She couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

 

“I want you to be happy. We can’t both be miserable.” He grinned at her.

 

“Fred…”

 

“Sorry. But for real. You should talk and make it all clear. I’m not saying you should get together. I’m just saying you should talk about what happened.”

 

“What about all the clubs you mentioned she goes to…” Lana asked carefully, not sure if she wanted to hear the answer.

 

“Oh that. I don’t know. Ask her, ask someone else or look at Twitter, I’m sure you would find something there. All I know is that she often goes out to clubs.”

 

“Alright,” Lana nodded. “Thank you. For being so understanding.” She smiled at him gratefully.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovelies! Thank you all so much for your comments and kudos! I really appreciate it (and screenshot it and send it to people because it makes me so happy).
> 
> Our story is coming to an end. There is going to be one more chapter, I'll hopefully post it soon so that you can have happy Christmas. 
> 
> Let's see what our two sillies do now, shall we...

Fred left New York that night after packing the few things he had there, saying a sad goodbye to his now ex fiancée.

 

Lana was sitting in her dark apartment, having just a small lamp on. She suddenly didn’t know what to do. She almost called Bex a few times, and her sister, but then she changed her mind. There would be time for that. Right now she didn’t feel like explaining what happened, she didn’t want to tell them about Jen. She wasn’t that worried about herself but it seemed wrong to tell them about the blonde’s feelings for her.

 

She sat on the couch, legs wrapped in a blanket, a glass of wine in one hand and her phone in the other one. She couldn’t stop thinking about what Fred had said. Would she really be able to find stuff about Jen online? Did she want to? And was that right?

 

Sipping her wine, her thumb was hovering above the search button. How would she feel if her colleagues would search for information about her on social media and in online tabloids?

 

This was different tho, Jen didn’t want to talk to her so she couldn’t just ask her and she wanted to know because… Why, actually? What is she going to do if she finds out Jen really goes out to have fun in clubs, with some ladies? She wasn’t sure she wanted to know that but on the other hand, not knowing seemed worse.

 

She pressed the search button on Google. Immediately there were articles from a few days, weeks ago. Her heart started to race as she read the headlines.

 

_‘Is Jennifer Morrison dating a woman?’_

 

_‘Morrison having fun with a woman again’_

 

_‘Morrison spotted leaving a gay club’_

 

Lana’s eyes went wide and her heart was racing so fast it felt like it might jump out of her chest as she opened the articles with shivering fingers. She scanned through the few sentences there. There wasn’t much information as it was all based on guesses but there were pictures.

 

Jennifer leaving a gay club in Vancouver, her arm linked with some woman, their heads close.

 

Jennifer in a bar having drinks with a different lady, leaving hand in hand, all giggly, driving away in the same cab.

 

The same lady was seen with the blonde on different occasions, both of them seeming very close, usually holding hands, one photographer even caught a cheek kiss.

 

_Oh God._

 

Lana closed her eyes when the first tear ran down her face. Her heart clenched. So it was true. The blonde did really get over her. She didn’t, couldn’t blame her. It just hurt now that she’s realized, or started realizing, her feelings for the blonde. But she wanted her to be happy, and if this woman was making her happy, then it was alright.

 

She would just have more things to deal with. Maybe she shouldn’t have broken up with Fred just yet. Maybe she should have waited. But that wouldn’t be fair, to either of them.

 

She unlocked her phone again and looked on tumblr. People everywhere were discussing Jen’s sexuality. There was a lot of screaming and lot of excitement. Most of them were happy for her, seeing her as their role model even more, being thrilled that their idol is more relatable for them. They were trying to figure out who the mystery lady was, not coming up with much as the photos were mostly dark and blurred.

 

Lana headed to twitter. She thought about checking out some accounts where she used to go when she wanted to know what people thought but this had happened days ago and it would be difficult to find it. So instead she clicked on Jen’s profile. She froze when she saw the last tweet.

 

_“Private lives are private for a reason. Please, respect that #LoveIsLove”_

 

The brunette blinked. Did Jen really come out? That was a coming out tweet, right? And did she really confirm she is dating someone? He head was spinning. So much information at once. Oh gosh. So Jen was really into women. It wasn’t some girl’s crush.

 

But what did it matter, really? Feelings are always valid.

 

She got up from the couch, leaving her phone behind, the glass still in her hand, almost tripping over the blanket.

 

She’s dating. Jen is dating a woman. Which means she is over Lana. That is great, right? Because that means she is doing well, she is hopefully healthy or in a better condition at least and more importantly, she’s not devastated, destroying herself with work and working out.

 

The brunette ran her hand through her hair before she poured herself more wine. Why did it hurt? Why did Jen having a girlfriend stab her into her heart like a knife?

 

This was too much. She didn’t know what was going on.

 

_“Don’t be ridiculous,”_ she told herself on her way to the bathroom. _“Just admit it.”_ Lana looked up into the mirror above the sink. Her hair was messy, her eyes were red.

 

If she were honest, Fred unlocked and unleashed everything she was trying to ignore and suppress for so long. The truth was, she has been developing feelings for Jen for a long time but she never really paid any attention to it, at least not till she found out how Jen felt about her. She had always been focused on Fred, even more after the night at the bar. She ignored her own feelings, putting the blonde’s ones and her wellbeing first. And as her feelings for the blonde were getting deeper, her feelings for Fred were getting weaker.

 

She shook her head at herself. Who would leave the city, country even, after accidentally hurting a friend or a colleague. She was so stupid and oblivious to everything and now it was too late.

 

Life has a very strange sense of humor.

 

\---------------------------

 

Jen didn’t want to write anything on Twitter. She didn’t want to comment on anything. She didn’t even really want to talk to anyone about it.

 

But it seemed that hanging out with a woman was a big deal and it got everyone speculating. She was resisting for a few days, looking at the reactions from time to time. What she saw didn’t really surprise her. There were people begging her to officially come out, to say she was bisexual or lesbian or whatever, people who claimed it would mean the world to them if she were, this she didn’t really understand but that was probably because she’s always been rather private. There were people who assured her that she didn’t have to do or say anything, that she didn’t have to put any label on herself, that she should keep her life private if she wanted to. She was grateful for those fans, it made her feel free and with a choice.

 

And then there the rude ones, saying they liked her but if she turns into a lesbian, they won’t be able to support her anymore, people who yelled at her for following “a trend”, people who said that the woman is just a friend, despite the photos telling a different story. There were people who yelled at others for “forcing their sexuality” on her and making her gay. This last category was actually kind of amusing, if it wasn’t for other people hurting.

 

Those were the ones who she tweeted it for. To shut them down, to stand up for the bullied ones, in her own way, without saying anything and keeping her private life private.

 

It wasn’t about coming out. Not that she wanted to do it now but it happened. She wouldn’t really care if she were with someone who she believed she had a future with. But this…

 

Lana broke her heart. Lana left the show, the city, the country. For her, to make her feel better, so that she could be free. The reason didn’t matter. She left nonetheless. So she had to move on. She had to use it for a new start.

 

It took her a while but she finally went out. At first she just observed people but after a few times and few drinks, she started to talk to women. Sometimes they just talked, sometimes they danced and enjoyed the time together, sometimes they went out a couple times. It wasn’t anything serious, anything the world would have to know about. It wouldn’t be fair to those women. She didn’t feel ready to date properly, she knew she wasn’t healed just yet but she was trying. Lana would always be important, someone who helped her get to know herself better. But it was time to move on.

 

It was time to try to move on.

 

Sometimes it felt like she wouldn’t be able to but she had to. She had to keep going.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I would be nice because it's Christmas, you know, but I decided to devide it into 2 more chapters. So this is still not the last one but I can promise you.... well, something *evil giggle*
> 
> I'm not sure if I will have time to post the rest tomorrow but I wish you all a very merry Christmas, much love and joy and health, many beautiful fanfictions, and a happy new year.
> 
> Thank you all for reading my stuff, it really makes me happy and your comments have me yelling even tho I don't usually respond, or not here, if I know who it was.
> 
> Kisses to you and now let's read!

Time flies. They have both been busy, working on their shows and other projects. It was spring, time for announcing new seasons and presenting their shows to the media. Lana was excited, she loved these events, dressing up nicely and talking about what she was passionate about and what she loved.

She has been busy the past year, not really going out or to any events. Making herself busy was something she was good at and eventually, she was happy. Or at least she was not as sad as she was at the beginning.

 

Jen was annoyed, as always, when she had to go talk about the show, mostly because it involved big crowds and that was not something she enjoyed. She was standing in the hall of the convention center, aside from everyone else, waiting for them to announce her show. She looked up when it seemed like it was taking ages and froze.

 

There was a woman walking across the room and she was nearing the blonde. When she came closer, she stopped as she noticed her.

 

Lana almost stood there with her mouth open.

 

Jen.

 

Was that really…? Of course it was, who else would it be. What should she do? Should she go say hi? She probably should, it would be weird to ignore her when clearly, they can both see each other. Is Jen going to talk to her? It’s been a long time since they spoke last, many things have changed but she might still be mad at her…

 

Jen couldn’t believe her eyes. Lana was the last person she would expect to meet there. It wasn’t actually that surprising, it made sense but she wasn’t prepared for this meeting. Her heart was pacing and her palms got sweaty. After all this time, Lana still took her breath away but at the same time, she was still a bit angry. Before she could stop herself tho, her lips turned into a small, nervous smile. She was happy to see the brunette after such a long time and in that moment, it out weighted everything else.

 

When Lana saw the blonde’s mouth corners turn up, she took a deep breath and approached her slowly.

 

“You look beautifully.” She blurted out. She couldn’t help it. Jen’s blonde curls were down, falling on her bare shoulders only covered by the tiny straps of her long dress. “I mean, hi,” Lana blushed when she saw Jen’s eyes wide with surprise and her reddening cheeks.

 

“Hi,” the blonde answered, trying to stop her face from smiling widely. “Thank you. You look pretty too.”

 

Lana smiled at her too, not sure what to say next. She had so many things she wanted to say or ask, none of them probably very appropriate.

 

“How… have you been?” The brunette finally started carefully, her face turning serious.

 

Jen looked her straight in the eye, trying to figure out what she was really asking her about. Was that a general question people ask when they see each other after a long time or did Lana mean anything in particular?

 

“I’m good. Things are…good.”

 

“Good.” Lana nodded. Things were good. Good. “Are you… taking care of yourself? I mean, you haven’t been exhausting yourself with too much work anymore, right? You didn’t collapse again, did you?” She blurted out quickly. Cold sweat ran down her back when she saw the blonde’s expression, surprise traced with irritation.

 

“No, I didn’t _collapse_ again.” Her voice was like ice.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m just worried, I know I…” Lana tried to justify her question.

 

“You are worried? Lana, you left. You decided to leave the show when I was in the hospital. You didn’t ask me how I was doing, you just wanted to get away from my crazy self!”

 

“That’s not true! First, you are not crazy. Second, I went to the hospital, I talked to the nurse! I knew you would be okay, you just needed less stress!”

 

The blonde froze. So those were real memories, it wasn’t something she dreamt in her in-love-with-Lana mind.

 

“You went to the hospital? You… held my hand…” She whispered as she remembered bits and pieces.

 

“I did… I’m sorry, I freaked out and…” She stopped, not sure what to say.

 

“Why are you doing all this? Why do you even care?!” The blonde spat out. She was more angry at herself than she was at Lana. She thought she was over her and yet there she was, overly excited just from seeing her and confused about the amount of care Lana apparently had for her.

 

“Why do I care? Because I love you! I didn’t realize it at that time and I know I’m an idiot! But I’ve always cared about you and I always will!” Lana stopped to take a breath when she realized what she said. _That was smooth, you idiot_ , she internally rolled her eyes at herself and wanted to slap her face.

 

“You… love me?” Jen whispered, her voice breaking as her heart went from “she loves me” to “too late bitch”.

 

“I- do. I’ve known for quite some time, since Fred and I broke up actually but I didn’t think there was any point in talking to you since… I fucked up and you didn’t want to talk to me, rightfully so.” She’s never felt so scared. She has nothing to lose yet she was afraid to lose Jen, again, even though she had never had her.

 

“You and Fred broke up… because of me?” She was pale, her eyes were wide as she was just opening and closing her mouth in shock.

 

“I- he- yes, we did…” Lana was trying to stay calm, trying to take deep regular breaths. She didn’t know what to expect, whether the blonde would yell at her or break down or something else.

 

“Oh my God.” Jen ran her hand through her perfectly styled hair. “I can’t do this, I can’t do this right now.” She turned around and left, hurrying as far from Lana as she could, leaving the brunette stand there with tears in her eyes.

 

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we go, the last chapter is finally here! Thank you all for reading the whole story, I really appreciate it and your kudos and comments!
> 
> I liked this concept of writing the whole story first and then posting it, it's much less stressful when I only have to post it. 
> 
> I want to wish you all a very happy new year, may it bring you what you dream off.

They presented their shows and went through all the ceremonies and interviews. They didn’t bump into each other again. Lana was holding herself together with all her strength. She wanted to go home and cry but instead she had to pretend to be alright for hours.

 

When she finally closed the door of her apartment, she slid down and let the tears run. Did she fuck up again? Did she break the blonde again? That was the last thing she wanted. She didn’t want anything from the blonde, she didn’t mean to tell her anything from what she did, it just slipped out. The only thing she needed was for the blonde to be okay, which, considering she ran away, she probably wasn’t.

 

If only she could talk to her, if they could talk properly, about everything. That’s all she wanted. To explain and apologize, again. For what, she wasn’t sure.

 

Lana found her phone and opened her messages.

 

“ _I’m really sorry for hurting you, again. If you could give me a chance to explain, I’d be really grateful. But I’d understand if you don’t want to talk to me.”_

 

When the message was sent, she collected her things and headed to the bedroom. She was exhausted and needed sleep.

 

\---------------------------

 

Jen’s heart stopped and then made a twist when she saw who the new message was from.

 _Oh gosh, Lana…_ She hang her head in her hands. It was all too much. She was so confused like she hasn’t been in a really long time, if ever.

 

She spent the whole time trying to get over the brunette, trying to stop caring, trying to bury her feelings, and then she comes and tells her she’s loved her since the beginning.

 

What did she want from her? What did she expect? What was there to explain? Was it a good idea to give her a chance? It felt right to do that but then again, she could already feel how excited she was.

 

Lana looked so pretty, her hair in natural waves, a big generous smile reaching her eyes, little wrinkles around them. She was wearing a suit, the jacket enveloping her body and showing her curves and it left the blonde speechless, just as the brunette’s voice was sending shivers down her spine.

 

She was lost. She was in it again, if she’s ever gotten over her. She should talk to her. It was the right thing to do. Maybe all the troubles, all the stress and the collapse and Lana leaving was caused because she refused to talk about it. She refused to deal with it, shut it down deep inside of herself and ignored everyone trying to help her.

 

It was time for her to deal with the mess like an adult, to face it, not run away and hide.

 

She picked up her phone and read the message again. She started to type but after a moment she deleted it and dialed the number instead.

 

Lana picked up after a few seconds.

 

“Jen! I’m so sorry, I…”

 

“I know. I’m sorry too…” Jen sighed. Why was she calling exactly?

 

“Why are you sorry? You have nothing to be sorry about.” Lana asked as she wiped off her tears.

 

“Have you been crying?” The blonde asked instead of answering the question.

 

“I – yes.” What was the point of lying anyway. “Jen, I know I keep hurting you but please, if we could just talk…”

 

“That’s why I’m calling. Not to talk about it now but I thought it might be better than texts. I know I hurt you too and I’m sorry.”

 

“You didn’t-“

 

“I did, otherwise you wouldn’t have been crying. I should have let you talk right at the beginning. I just did what I always do, shut everyone out and deal with it myself. It didn’t go that well, did it,” Jen laughed sadly.

 

Lana didn’t say anything. She didn’t know what to say, she didn’t want to accidently start another fight.

 

“Did you… mean it? That you love me?” The blonde whispered after a while. She was holding her breath. There was only one thing she wanted to hear, yet she wouldn’t act on it.

 

“I do.” Lana said quietly without any hesitation.

 

“Okay,” Jen nodded, trying to think and process everything.

 

“Jen…”

 

“Hm?”

 

“Can I ask you something?” Lana tried carefully.

 

“I- guess so.”

 

“Is it true that… you have a girlfriend?” She hated herself for asking that, she knew she didn’t have any right to know but it was something that was eating her alive for months, something she needed to know, especially after today.

 

“I- have been dating, kind of, for a while but… it never sticks, it just doesn’t feel right I guess” Jen was nervously playing with her earring, kicking her foot into the soft carpet in her bedroom. Why was she telling this Lana already? They aren’t even friends anymore (or yet?), they’re just… two idiots in love. Which was the reason why her relationships didn’t feel right.

 

Because none of those women was Lana.

 

“I see,” the brunette answered.

 

“Lana… this doesn’t mean…I mean… no matter how I feel… I can’t… we… can’t…” It didn’t happen often that she would struggle with words but this time, she had no idea what to say. She had no idea what she wanted to say anyway, she just felt like she should clarify where they stood. And where exactly was that? Because she wasn’t sure about anything anymore.

 

“I understand,” Lana said silently, her voice threatening to break again.

 

“Lana…” God, she missed that name, “It doesn’t mean never. I don’t know what I mean actually. I just know it would be wrong to immediately…Just don’t cry, okay?” Her heart was clenching at the idea of the brunette crying because of her.

 

“I’m not. I’m not asking you for anything. I don’t expect anything. I just want to talk. If I dare to dream big, I- want you in my life, whichever way you decide it to be.” Lana’s heart was pacing at that confession. She couldn’t imagine they would go back to not talking.

 

“I would love that too,” the blonde smiled. “We can talk and see which way it’s going to be, okay?” She was screwed. But she didn’t care.

 

“Okay,” Lana smiled at the other end of the call.

 

“Good night, Lana.”

 

“Good night, Jen.”

 

They hung up the call then, both sitting on their beds, smiling like idiots.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize this is probably not the happy ending you wished for but I felt like I damaged them too much to just have them trow themselves into each others' arms and live happily ever after. They certainly have a lot to work on and figure out where they stand.
> 
> Don't forget to write a comment, feel free to yell at me or you can come talk to me in my DMs (@named_lucie).


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